Drinking Humor

The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get
up to leave because you have work the next day and one of
your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED
friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come 
on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep
(snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave
again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am 
I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as 
long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've 
just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now 
you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've 
ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to 
the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the 
bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. 
(like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live 
together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But 
at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying.  And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, 
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! 
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger 
at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And 
now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've 
ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after
you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. 
And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....
as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may
as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I 
don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. 
Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, 
as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow .........cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money 
back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named 
Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in 
a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that 
morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, 
"Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that 
brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all
drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a 
Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and 
you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One 
of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting
that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, 
and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look 
at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like 
you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is 
like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, 
I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And 
some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Go Back